Film at 11: 29/7 coverage of Smith’s death

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first_img 160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set! We just didn’t get enough Anna Nicole: To fit all the breaking news in the continuing death of Anna Nicole Smith, 24-hour TV news outlets have requested the FCC to add an extra five more hours to their broadcasting day. “There’s just too many important angles to cover to fit this story in the standard 24-hour news day,” said Geraldo O’Reilly. “Right now we don’t even have enough time to list the possible fathers of her baby.” Cuckoo for fatherhood: In an attempt to out-crazy the diaper-wearing nutball of an astronaut, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince King Czar, has declared himself to be the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith’s 5-month-old daughter. “I’m pretty sure I’m the father,” said the jaunty Gabor’s 59-year-old crackpot husband. “In addition, I have documented proof that I’m also the baby’s mother.” What about me? Paris Hilton has sued the estate of Anna Nicole Smith. “Ms. Hilton spent nearly her entire life crafting a celebrity career out of whole cloth,” said Hilton’s attorney, Shady Shark. “Now Ms. Smith just dies and takes the well-deserved limelight off of my client. It’s not only unfair, it makes a mockery of the `personality-like’ biz.” Britney Spears’ ex, Kevin Federline, will join the suit. U Need 2 Read This 4 Ur Own Gd: With the last two possible e-mail subject line messages being used up, this past week may have marked the end of Internet spam as we know it. With “howdy love is urgent” and ” =?ISO-2022-jp?-yoNLP%AOFAbAJj” every single possible combination of characters and fonts has been used. But officials at aren’t worried that they’ll have to reuse old gobbledygook to get potential consumers to open their marketing e-mails. “The buyer is getting too savvy,” said Russian spammaster, =?OBG-92346-sKGTDj Smith. “We’re just going to have to come up with a larger keyboard to fit the new Russian and Chinese symbols the boys in research are coming up with. There’s just too many cheap drugs, replica watches and local girls who want to meet you to give up now.” Getting crowded: Sen. Barack Obama, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced their intention to run for president, making the list of 2008 candidates just short of the number of candidates for father of Anna Nicole Smith’s 5-month-old daughter. Oh, Will Rogers, where are you when we need you? Comedian-comedy writer Al Franken has announced that he’ll be running for the U.S. Senate in 2008. “I’m serious. This is not a joke. I really believe I am someone who can do an outstanding job for the -” said Franken as he broke down laughing. “Sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face.” In case Franken cannot complete his campaign, Carrot Top has volunteered to step in. Picking winners: Grammy Award winner Ludacris gave a shout-out to Bill O’Reilly, who had predicted that the rapper’s career would be over after he skewered him on his show. Bill made similar comments about the Dixie Chicks, who won five Grammys. And this week, because of John Edwards’ hiring of two “hating” bloggers, O’Reilly said that you can stick a fork in Edwards’ 2008 presidential run. Vegas odds makers have now made Edwards the odds-on favorite. Almost intelligence: A report from the Inspector General’s Office revealed that in the weighing of pre-Iraq war intelligence, Undersecretary of Defense Doug Feith had a finger on the scale. “It wasn’t exactly that we manufactured a case for war,” said Feith. “But … hey, look, a cow!” No more poor teachers: L.A. teachers finally received a new contract and a well-deserved raise. Now they’ll have even more money to take out of their own pockets to spend on their students’ minimum needs. Darwin’s in again: School authorities in Kansas have reversed a previous decision challenging the theory of evolution in public-school science classes. In what most experts are calling a unique compromise, textbooks will admit the possibility of evolution, but that it started 7,000 years ago. Hollywood $ makeover: A high-priced residential and retail project is set to fix up the famed intersection of Hollywood and Vine, making it into the envy of every tourist trap in the country – a $600 million souvenir stand. It’ll take some time: The Chinese Year of the Pig is now here – and I’m still writing Year of the Dog on my checks. Steve Young can be reached at last_img

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